Calendar commentary

How does the lead pull the reader in and entice her to read on?  Is it surprising, or are claims made that are common knowledge (note: the reader shouldn’t be able to say, ‘well duh.’)?  Is it effective?  Can it be made more effective?  (think details, human drama, evocative language—why/why not do you want to read on?

 The lead is pretty good and gives you some mystery about calendars. It then brings you to the fact that she will be dealing with the months  names.

Does the lead give a clear indication of what the story will be about, or rely on mystery, or both?  Would more of a thesis be helpful? Would less of a thesis be advised?  Is the reader aware of the importance of a topic—why it matters and is worth learning about? Adversely, if for more entertainment purposes, is the topic engaging enough to compel reading?

 It is very clear and very straight forward.

Organization:

Consider how the story is structured.  Chronological, thematic, chapter/section-based, inquiry-driven?  Is it effective?  Be specific—if a paragraph doesn’t transition well into the next, mention it and provide suggestions for improvement.

 It is structured the way the calendar works. The paragraph transitions are rough but that is the point because each paragraph represents a different months name. except for the one where multiple are clumped together.

Is each paragraph well focused, or are several ideas competing for attention?  How can better focus be achieved?

Each one really focuses into the whole story behind each name.

Are there certain points (factual or narrative based) that require more development?  Are you, the reader, unclear at certain points?  Are any ideas superfluous or distracting?

 Its all pretty clear about the names . I would just develop the why its important more. That’s what ties it all together and is the factor between people reading it all the way through or just finding months they care about.

  

Balance of human interest and information.  Point out sections that become too bogged down in dry facts.  Adversely, find sections that rely on narrative without giving the reader proper background information and factual points of reference.

 You really focus on the facts behind each name. Instead try adding in more goo. Just put in why the names really hold significance to not only you but how what they are based on really mater. 

Are claims backed up by examples, evidence, research?  Are sensory details employed effectively?  Are abstractions made concrete through use of examples and details?

 There is a lot of evidence and fact behind each paragraph but if you don’t know Greek and Roman mythology you can get bogged down and lose the whole meaning behind the essay.

How is the story concluded?  Does it wrap up the topic neatly and provide closure?  Does it ask bigger questions or compel the reader to search for more?  Are you left wanting more (and is this a good thing)?  Is it effective?

  The conclusion wraps it up well but you may want to clarify on its importance and what these names really represent to the people who created them or put them in place. 

Voice and Audience

Characterize the story’s voice and tone?  Is it suitable for the topic?  Is it engaging?  Is it consistent throughout the piece?  If first person POV is used, is this effective or jarring (remember, most story’s should rely on the strength of the topic for engagement, not the evidence of authorial intrusion).

It’s a casual tone but watch out because you shift from casual in the conclusion and into into a more formal story telling mode throughout the rest.

Try to characterize the audience.  What venue (publication) do you think this story suits?  Why?  Does the author effectively address this audience (too dumbed-down or sensational, too dry and esoteric)?

This would be interesting to anyone who wants to know more about the months or people who know a little about mythology but not enough that they will just skip over months.

Mechanics

Mark any ineffective or over-used word/phrase choices.  Mark any repetitive sentence structures.  Offer advice on vocabulary, syntax, and sentence structure.

Just watch the I’s because they contradict your more formal tone elsewhere.

“I’ll be talking about something that I think is just as important” 

Pixar paper commentary

Peer Review and Commentary—Feature Story

The Lead:

How does the lead pull the reader in and entice her to read on?  Is it surprising, or are claims made that are common knowledge (note: the reader shouldn’t be able to say, ‘well duh.’)?  Is it effective?  Can it be made more effective?  (think details, human drama, evocative language—why/why not do you want to read on?)

The lead dealing with Pixar works well. It all starts from the very beginning and relates to where pixar come into the animation world and what their place in 3D animation. It gets you wondering how it all began and how pixar was able to come about.

Does the lead give a clear indication of what the story will be about, or rely on mystery, or both?  Would more of a thesis be helpful? Would less of a thesis be advised?  Is the reader aware of the importance of a topic—why it matters and is worth learning about? Adversely, if for more entertainment purposes, is the topic engaging enough to compel reading?

It’s clearly about Pixar and how they came about. It also foreshadows a conflict between Pixar and Disney through the opening line. I feel that it is engaging enough to entice the reader into reading more.

Organization:

Consider how the story is structured.  Chronological, thematic, chapter/section-based, inquiry-driven?  Is it effective?  Be specific—if a paragraph doesn’t transition well into the next, mention it and provide suggestions for improvement.

It is structured chronologically and works well in that format. I like the way it starts at Disney and then shows the story of how it became the company it is today. I would highlight the struggles a little bit more though like when they were in the red or how their success led to some hard feelings elsewhere.

Is each paragraph well focused, or are several ideas competing for attention?  How can better focus be achieved?

It is well focused and corresponds to different moments in the evolution of Pixar.

Are there certain points (factual or narrative based) that require more development?  Are you, the reader, unclear at certain points?  Are any ideas superfluous or distracting?

It seems pretty steady.

Balance of human interest and information.  Point out sections that become too bogged down in dry facts.  Adversely, find sections that rely on narrative without giving the reader proper background information and factual points of reference.

It has a lot of narrative and could use some more hard facts. That being said a lot of the facts are there they just mesh well with the essay so you don’t really notice them. The background is good just because there isn’t that much to give considering almost everyone knows who Pixar is.

Are claims backed up by examples, evidence, research?  Are sensory details employed effectively?  Are abstractions made concrete through use of examples and details?

The claims are backed up but you may want to cite more than one source so it doesn’t look like you got every detail from the same place.

How is the story concluded?  Does it wrap up the topic neatly and provide closure?  Does it ask bigger questions or compel the reader to search for more?  Are you left wanting more (and is this a good thing)?  Is it effective?

It closes well and really raps up the whole story. But if you needed more detail you could always just bring it into the present time because that would give you a cliff hanger for what happens after Steve jobs died.

Voice and Audience

Characterize the story’s voice and tone?  Is it suitable for the topic?  Is it engaging?  Is it consistent throughout the piece?  If first person POV is used, is this effective or jarring (remember, most story’s should rely on the strength of the topic for engagement, not the evidence of authorial intrusion).

Voice is done well and relies on the story or topic to hold interest.

Try to characterize the audience.  What venue (publication) do you think this story suits?  Why?  Does the author effectively address this audience (too dumbed-down or sensational, too dry and esoteric)?

I could see it going to people of my generation or people who have seen a lot of the Pixar movies.

Mechanics

Mark any ineffective or over-used word/phrase choices.  Mark any repetitive sentence structures.  Offer advice on vocabulary, syntax, and sentence structure.

Vocabulary is pretty steady and it’s the  right level for the topic at hand.

Mark other grammar issues and typos.

Most of the corrections can be fixed by just reading it out loud. There are just a few awkward sentences.

Pixar tried TO alter their vision. 

Zombies

The essay is pretty good as long as you follow the norm of culture. That being said i would probably not like it as much as others, say my roommate with his zombie poster on his door. That being said i almost felt overloaded. I would of liked the essay more if the author had used some humor instead of straight statistics and information. I realize that people put way to much time into zombies in comparison to other disasters but this seems a little extreme. Still i did read it all the way through and only skipped the occasional quote. That being said i wonder if the mass amounts of quotes were really necessary. Another problem is that he opened it up  with the Pride, Prejudice and Zombies. The whole aspect of the book is almost based off of the humor between a 16th century British novel and Zombies. I think the author did a good job with the essay and to somebody who really cares it would be awesome i am just not the target crowd.

Per Aspera Ad Astra

Well reading the article on the Apollo accident i found two major aspects of the paper to be the cause of why i read it all the way through. The first line is spaced off from the rest of the paper and sums up the whole bit of frustration dealing with the incident. Secondly  the paper brings you through the whole testing process and shows you the steps that led to the ultimate failure. That being said the event also related deeply to the time period and how the NASA program became what it is today by having this accident. Most importantly the author opened up the essay with backup information and then detailed why the problem started to begin with. That being said the most interesting part of the whole essay was the authors interest in the subject. They really seemed to care about the incident and were willing to show how this one incident was the reason we got a man on the moon and back. Through the sacrifice of those three men America won the space race and set a standard for space travel.

Phycological Rocker

I read an essay about an interesting artist that lives his life in a world filled with both turmoil and a constant suicide watch. The main thing that kept my interest the whole time was the development of the story along with the various failures and unpredictability of the story. It is a constant reminder that the story is that of an actual man. The most startling part was when he said he would end it on a high note. This got me slightly confused. Still that being said the author was able to bring you through the struggles of the the band as a whole and the various outbreaks of drugs alcohol and depression. The story doesn't really seem to have a climax though. It is a constant struggle to maintain control while not becoming addicted to the vary things that are helping you. Overall the author does a good job of representing the main character as not only a lead singer but also a confused young guy who just can't seem to find his way.

interesting possibilities

http://history1900s.about.com/od/people/a/gandhi.htm
This is a link to a biography on Gandhi. He spent the first part of his life being a normal guy and in a period of 3 years he became the revolutionary leader wee know today for Indians in South Africa. He is one of the reasons for the Indian independence movement and has inspired others to base their leadership style after him.

http://inhabitat.com/top-6-eco-friendly-uses-for-poop/

This is an article about the uses of poop. I know its out there, but still their are many ways to use poop to strengthen our economy provide power and many other creative ways.

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/tesla
Two Words Nikola Tesla. Think pure genius  a nice guy, and a total beast beyond comparison and you have found Nikola Tesla.

Hatsune Miku

How does the article gain and hold attention. Firstly she is a new idea living in a new system with a fan based fabricated existence. If your looking for new and out there the articles got you right off the bat. This also doesn't include the various comparisons that the author has to other characters and the other robot who was just a little to life like. Still the most interesting points were the cult like fan base. The fact that a whole market and made up enterprise just popped out of the ground in itself is astounding. That being said that is what held most of my attention along with the 8 year old at the end. After actually looking up the robo lady and found i was not totally mesmerized by her stunning visual effects. That being said i come from a different culture. The whole reason i read the article besides the fact that it was mandatory was because the font was big so i felt like i had allot of progress and because it was like a inside scoop on a foreign place that i do not understand at all. Still this reminds me of Anime throughout japan and got me wondering about whether or not they search to idolize the perfect people or icons. Is it something that is ingrained in their culture that we do not have or just a new fad.